he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
