pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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