he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
