If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
