He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
