Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
