She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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