Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
