i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
