Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
