Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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