Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
