I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Randomize
