when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
