My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
