dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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