mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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