Please, let me fuck your mom
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
