My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
