mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Randomize
