Whats the glycemic index on semen?
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
