Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
