I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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