whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Randomize
