Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize
