His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
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