Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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