I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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