Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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