I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
