well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize
