OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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