Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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