Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Drake has all the answers
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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