Swine flu. Run for my life!
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
