i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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