I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Randomize
