Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
