Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
