Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize