Im at strip club and am horny
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
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