I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
