she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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