dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
