I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
