I heard we made out
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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