bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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