The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
