I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
