we have officially lost it.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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