already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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