I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
