she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
