Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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