dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
