just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
