I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
